&then I had this lucid dream where, rebuffed, he showed up as a “helpy Gay man” as I was sweeping up the last of the seeds he’d tried to surreptitiously scatter when he’d snuck in. Cloaked misogyny in sheep’s clothing. His eyes narrowed as the last of them went into the dustpan, face crinkled in a flurry of shock before he started casually offering me ‘diet gin’ to drink…as a cute, small-talky gay guy rambling option. When no discussion of food or drink proceeded this “help” he’d shown up offering.
I was like ‘yeah thx,’ tossed the pan beside the bin & went back to tossing things in the washing machine as he looked on. I felt his eyes on my every move.
He knew it was my granddad’s firewater.
He knew explicitly that I don’t drink gin but was looking for a way “in” keyed to why I don’t… an emotional triggering attempt that was tied to the tossed seeds.
As they often do.
When having to deal with men secretly suffering from eating disorders they like to infect who they fuck with (so they can externally Express the biting disdain they have for themselves & anyone else less troubled)…understand their survival skill is trying to turn anything you tell them into a shiv to use when you seem happier than them at close range.
(FTR. I just think the taste of gin sucks. My granddad loved it though. 5 gallon jugs on the regular deep. It was my 1st taste of alcohol. At 5. If it tasted like St.Germain it would’ve been different lol.)
I paused, smiled. Went “actually, you know I don’t drink gin, but gin is keto, so it wouldn’t need to be diet. Fyi. Fix the script you’re testing out before you go torment her…Goodbye.”
His eyes bucked with disbelief , shifting his mask as I turned on the machine.
…Woke up. Hugged who I love.
A man…who loves food in his own way after a life of restriction & restraint for climes his career centered on.
Who I have willfully serenaded into not only experiencing the abject joys of a perfectly placed on the palate Randy’s Donut for himself with my writing, without me even being there… but has also spread that love… that he now knows IS love…to his brigadeers. So they won’t wait as long as he did…to enjoy this life that way too.
& I thanked God that he waited until the necessity of protein shake regimen was completed before revealing his ass to me. Or giving him the license to graze mines.
Woke up…happily.