No…He ain’t die today. Like August 28th. They’ve had the funeral and alllll the things. That I was not invited to at all, for the record.
It was delivered today in search of …impact.
& to complain about both my younger and older siblings FINALLY shirking their responsibilities to put UP with everybody back in Cleveland’s Farickin CoooRaayzee and following in my footsteps…
(which , bashfully said …rully was The sweetest gift I’ve received in a very long time. sigh*)
But I…understand anew. Them.
People who bottle up all their emotions only get to revel in those emotions in situations of trauma, discord, melodrama, death, etceteras. Those seasons are the only ones they Allow themselves to be porous, you know?
And… I’ont bottle up shiiiiiiiit, notoriously so, clan-wise. It was always Outrageous that I would no longer allow myself to be bit & would scalp or hack off the head of whatever tried TO bite me like I wasn’t related to it at alll.
The search for expected impact was not even about me.
She was Not trying to be the “Ruiner of bdays” it could absently be seen as on the surface.
It was “It was a death. Death jars everyone. She’ll have to give…something.” Passively wired narcs need energy.
BUT It took nothing of me into account, or gnosis of my relationship with any of my uncles. The real query was what was up under all of that. The real why.
Because I turned 49 today and these people haven’t reached out to my ass on my birthday Literally in forty years LOL. SERIOUSLY. FORTY. Not since I was in 4th grade.
As in…”Why are you calling for real? On my birthday…wanting me to give something into this emotionally …when you didn’t call me when he died, nor when y’all scheduled or had the funeral/reunion….What do you really want/need to talk about?”
You can always smell the real why when it’s not the why they lead with.
…turns out SHE had …had…a triple bypass surgery in July. That she ALSO didn’t reach out to tell me about. & was sitting in the doctor’s office…now…waiting for the checkup/sign-off on her health to go play.
She was scared.
& none of the people she coordinated to come to the funeral or repast for the uncle who went home over heart stuff were going to be able to calm her down today, on my birthday, as she sat there terrified the doctor was going to give her news she didn’t want to hear.
& I am NOTORIOUSLY BLUNT WHEN IT COMES TO HOSPITAL SHIT. KNOWN FAR & WIDE. I’m the worst yet best person to get involved in such shit if you really are ready to change. Brimstone to the bone. All that Angel of Death, “oh you wanna play at dying or you ready to go? Make up your fn mind, let’s go~” ish is front and center.
Added layer?
This is the same person who called last year trying to incite explosions and hysterics over my dad having had a stroke after consciously being vicious and vindictive and Fooking crazy at every damned body for foreva how long…
As in “surely that’ll be the thing that’d get ~” me to… you know.
A person who then got combustively vitriolic when I said ” I’m good. He knows he’s already dead & I’ve already made my peace with him” and then asked her to tell my big brother I said “go make your peace in case he’s about to bounce so his shit is not stuck to you…” and told her she needed to do the same thing. Or it was going “To eat up her…”
Yup. You guessed it.
Turns out she’d had a confirming incident soon after I said what I did. & they’d put in stints. But they’d been …overrun with…(my take? un-forgiveness and adamantly unprocessed grief , ought & rage carried around) nonsense. To the point of triple bypass.
She may have even called me because she’s finally scared enough to do what I fukkin told her to do.. so as not to let my crazy father get her to passively off herself ruminating on his venom.
YOU SHOULDN’T HAFTA GET TO THA FAR SIDE OF A TRIPLE BYPASS TO ADMIT I’M RIGHT…but aight. Just go fn heal.
BUT…in reality, she just gave me four birthday gifts.
- My brother stood all the way the fuck up and went “fuck practicing loyalty to mofos who want me fn dead”;
- My sister finally said “Deez nutz, daddy! Angel BEEN said hell nah,DoRL finally said hell nah & I ain’t filling in for None-nuh-dem!”;
- The caller got as close to “You are right & I’m scared straight, especially now that yo sibs are like fuck this mess-“
- I now have a second uncle laughing up there at the efficacy with which I be popping in to say chello~ lol.
As for fears of “Heart Stuff” runs in the family…
Nope.
Being mean as fuck for no real reasons other than generational trauma , drama, mitochondrial proficiency at it and refusal to heal yo shit, to the point of it wrecking others for sport & eventually your own heart…runs in the family.
Which factors into my ass having to be so f ureakin diligent in opposition to that…once nurtured nature.
AngelBrynner
As well as bad eating habits.
Even with all the uncles being this and that kind of chefs and cooks across time.
The one who died was a bona fide chef for decades down in ATL.
But I was always low-key kicked out the family for that food one, even when I was around. Unless it was banana pudding, BBQ or my granddaddy’s skillet bread [which I only found out as an adult was Cherokee fry bread] I absently didn’t eat their food. I can make healthy riffs offa it but even as a kid I knew better.
Even in today’s convo (…after she told me where she was and we really started going in), I went “What are you eating?”…and it …is as food triggered diabetes, high blood pressure triggering as it always was. Told her to check with her doctor to see if she could go keto, that just meats and cruciferous veggies are what the doctors of rich folks with diabetes tell them to eat to get that out of that zone.
I have my own dietary levels, crosses to put down, so no tsk-talking. The -woaw, 5th[?!] gift of the call is a confirmation.
What I have been stretching in all week and start in earnest tomorrow after load in and a summer of test runs is warranted as a backup.
Septemberian bodhi bunting lol.