Had a weirdly great day today. Even starting out cussing out someone I love.

The hilarity of letting myself consciously be sad in a king sized heated bed was some of the funniest shit ever lol.

But something strange happened upon actually just saying aloud I wasn’t fighting death anymore and hadn’t been for months.

The spirit of the city was like “You CAN come back, ya know. Just saying~ You’re so welcome here…” and it startled me a bit. I’d lived this week like it was my last but in a good way. I’d been asked in Ojai to come for christmas too but was already in motion. Everything’s already planned, booked, whathaveyou. Coordinated to the quick.

& then as I headed out early to catch a bus up, a favorite bus driver used to shuttling through to beach cities to studio showed up late on his route to be just in time for me and heralded me on, beaming. And I got to celebrate with him- his first book of poetry just got published and he was blushgrinning and high-beaming all over the place. As he should have been. I know that feeling. It’s wonderful.

& then I got to studio and my friend was sitting IN the dark, sucked into her laptop screen, nose 6 inches from it. In head, maaan! We both jumped and cracked up when I clicked on the light- she was so in writerhead that she hadn’t noticed the sun had gone down. I know that feeling too. It’s also wonderful.

528 and 333 was pinging all around me, it was just cool.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Maybe it’s just I can’t live in the life I’ve led any longer.

That way is no longer tenable and I really just have killed the bandwidth once ascribed to making peace with hostility coming out of people I’ve loved.