A new acquaintance is a dad of four. Cool dude, late 50s. He said something randomly that just broke the whole thing open for me in October, up in the Palisades. I’ll never forget it.

He was talking about work and then absently pivoted,

“But the best thing I’ve done is raised these four and gotten them out into the world as truly decent human beings with my wife- that’s the only thing out of all of it that even matters to me now.”

& he meant it. He’d Loved the responsibility he’d taken on- being that dad- and seeing them as adults made him emo as fuck and it was just beautiful.

They’d both done it. & it was hard. And he didn’t downplay that it hadn’t been a cakewalk.

…and I look back.

& I don’t see anyone back there who wouldn’t have buckled under that responsibility so it makes sense that it truly hadn’t been on my to-do list.

It’s not just a desire to do it, or an automated programming loop in the system… It’s the HOW of You doing it.

To have done this kid thing with someone who didn’t respect What it really was going to be or with someone who simply didn’t have the bandwidth necessary To get kids out in this wild world as sane adults… would’ve done a disservice to those kids.

Think of how many adult people you know who are still navigating the aftershocks of just that kind of disservice keyed to how they entered the earthly plane. Still self medicating over the things that led to, unprocessed now.

It’s surreal… because God knows my heart. Knows that I would pass on it without the ability to do right by the kid. Period. So he didn’t bother opening that desire in me until I could process what’d be … needed – Now I know what to ask.

Now I know that the two that got me groggily awake (sans consumptive consumation) were able to stir my heart because both of them had the ability to grasp the “HOW, if “and nerdily relish responsibility for other creative nuts … One’s dad was a green beret & he factored that vibe into raising his artistic battalions across disciplines and the other one just…has me like…”ioneveno How you’re possible, I’m glad your wily ass is here when I’m …here, earth-wise…and such.”

Life is so cool sometimes.