Promises to self.

I’d already made the call. Months ago. Knew I was done but from a different place. Letting go in peace. That factored into planning this last course in Socal. I knew I’d been blessed. Openly, not weirdly, and it wasn’t in spite of any one or anything. It was just blessing the parameters of the path I’d sincerely decided I couldn’t walk anymore.

The idea of the quality of love showing up faintly hadn’t changed the call, only the location of the exit. The third time’s the “charm” had been in effect regarding poisoned show ups for years. I took his energy faintly showing up as an outlier to the negativity I’d walked away from three times in my life as…sweet, really. The sweetness of that shone brighter than any heinous energy that kept showing up around him that I couldn’t fuck with without getting off the course I’d already set. But it was not like he …truly countered it, you know? In a weird way it’s like his spirit has been sitting Shiivah with more than anything else. It’d get hectic and my arm would shoot out to steady myself on him, but it’s not like he ever showed up with the hug I needed lol , so the course was kept to.

& I’ve experienced true joy on that course these past few months. I stopped fighting the tumor & just lived.I let it go. I’ve been happy. And also okay. If that makes any sense.

&anything I tell you the universe has been so fucking sweet- I’ve had gyms to work out in just to remind my body I love working out instead of trying to fix things… I’ve had some of the coolest gigs line up with the chillest fur babies… the painting has been off the charts and the free tonality to even my articles for the mag have been palpable.

& it made me unwilling to not process shit any longer. I was already gone so “it is gonna kill me to look at this ” no longer was a valid threat. The true threat became taking unprocessed shit With. I got to this place of I’ll burn everything down to get out of here scot-free.

Deciding to go made my writerhead work flow, even. Going doesn’t mean don’t do the work. Work until you turn in the keys, you know? But I think that’s the thing. The last time I left it wasn’t at peace. It was in rage. So I pinged back. Into the Bardo to self correct the best I could with the variables askew. Didn’t even learn About the concept of Bardo until I got back & it still took 27 years lol.

Things have been different since Ojai, though. Overtly sensitive. The demon wasn’t even the deal. It’s that the veil is thinner and thinner. Watching things that want to try it like marching ants, bewildered at them being here, even being seen at bird’s eye view, peace rattled but ramparts stayed. Very “what the fuck are they even doing here?” but so removed that in the aftermath of shit hitting the spiritual fan God had to tell me to relax.

“He doesn’t know, Angel. He has no idea.”

…and it was there, on the other side of staying myself through yesterday’s stupidity that something inside of me I didn’t know was there…popped.

In all my preparation it didn’t register that no one knew.

& it is not about victimy “would they have cared,” it is that no one knew. It’s the impersonal is already taking turns at the wheel. So the “friends ” who got backbitey & knifey when the Elysum cover work came out being bewildered by my callous clarification of where they were versus where their comments showed they’d thought they’d been suddenly made sense. I’d told some I’d loved that they were in the holding pen with all the others I knew didn’t actually root for me, to look around at the others present in that pen & understand. Absently. As fuck.

This week has been wonderful.

Outside what has turned out to be the outlier on the outskirts being recognized as vibrating in antithesis to the peace in me in this yet giving no reason or rationale to counter it, that Manhattan Beach…who even tried to have strangers give me a state of the art projector like the ones I have always had to source for installs- who offered me Christmas here-

It’s like I see the sweetness in all that too. & in the apartment with the good wooden floors for 3K+ that’d be a good start, even as I’ve made peace with ending.

I’ll be here with love until I go. But there’s no incentive to stay. I’m grateful for the views & grace on the way out. & work to do. I’m grateful for the do-over that God gave me against my will. & for God protecting my going in peace. I’ve exhibited the courage to stay, you know? Thankful. This realm isn’t a bad place. Earth lol. I didn’t know that at 21. That’s why he sent me back. Because I deserved to know that this place was good. It’s good.

Metal qigong has helped this state flow this entire season. To be at peace with shit falling away. There’s one more class to do today.

I’ll post it after.