...it's this stunning realization I'm sitting with... that I didn't survive them & "all that. " I literally thrived through it. In all faces. All directions. All times. In real time. Not even " in spite." I absently configured myself to run off the equivalents of postage stamps of what humans deserve to have poured into them, love-wise. I see how badassed that was. I Am. I see how beautiful my...unwillingnesses...are 🥲

That differentiation happened for me when I was a toddler. It’s why she set me up. Knowing that is actually what saved me. She ruined all her kids trying to sacrifice me, too.

But here’s the crazy part. I absently had it on my mind Mommy Dearest came out when I was in 5th grade. That was the watershed moment, you know? Whole family gathered, must see tv style. I remember the wire hanger scene and her cutting her eyes at me…and me glaring defiantly back. That was the everything changed moment. Because I knew that she was crazy… but then I knew there were not only Other crazy mothers like her, but that the whole world knew SHE was wrong. & She knew it, too.

I just saw it came out in 1981. My fn bday wkd lol. I was fn 6 years old. But now I get why I never developed a taste for sports. & why I willed myself tall so young, too. I had to be tall to be safe. There. I was her size by 4th grade, entered 5th ¼” taller lol.

I've seen alot of men in my time. Male Supermodels were my neighbors in nyc. & with all the menswear stuff... it's absently my bag. That eye. I'm immune, mostly. Seen... Lots of celebrities too. But in over a decade there...no one...and I mean NO ONE ...has ever shut down a literal city block just having fn lunch... like Benicio Del Toro. There are levels to this mess. There truly are. But whatever God was on weaving up That Benicio del Toro motherfucker (pardon my french) ...is different.

It's...Like annihilation. He disappeared folks lol, left their shadows on the sidewalk lol. I'm telling you, people in cars in slow traffic on 6th ave saw the hubbub & were - leaning out cabs! Just to get a looksie. Hilarious. No yelling, just Looooooookiiiing, like Ave Maria was playing lolol. He wasn't doing it. His Back was to the fn windows. But word spread lol. His Pr wasn't stoking or staging it. There were Supermodels IN the restaurant. EVERYBODY was like 👍 👌 🥹. No tip offs, either. No paps. This shit was pure Him.

Only time in my life I've seen that be...real. was impressed.