Yeah, so the suicidal ideation has been hunting me again. At least this time I know it is not in me or of me. Last time I didn’t understand that and I took my own life to stop me from going home and killing my parents.

I came back on a technicality.

Possibly to do all the work that I have done since, from the menswear line with it’s dark collection themes underground to trying to make events, books and art stuff that those who needed to find a stop before they’d ended up where I did could find if God wanted them to.

It all could have been a fever dream since, actually. Because I destroyed my stomach. Swallowed a cocktail of pills and booze to rupture it. Called my mother to tell her she got her wish, I was out & called the only real friend I could living in New York, in a city of people who knew me in passing. My big sister Kim, a trans sex worker tricking in London who’d gotten me into the apartment building’s program against it’s helmer’s wishes before she left.

She was the only one I was sorry to. Because she’d believed in me. She was the only one who saw through everything to what was truly going on with me and fought for me to get in that program even though I made no sense in it according to it’s parameters. But her having done that “saved my life.”

I called her as I was blacking out. To tell her I was sorry for having not been able to keep it together in the studio apartment alone. She knew about Rene. I told her I’d gone to tell him goodbye when I was going to go back to Cleveland at the Tunnel, he’d gotten me to stop, to not go back, then…accused me of fucking around with his head, that I wasn’t going to do what he saw I would have if I’d gone back. Even though I’d never told him any of it. He punished me in that moment. For his telepathy. I never saw that until right now. That the straw that had broken my back was that.

She…kept me on the phone…and somehow, on her second line got 911 on the line, told them where I was. The last thing I heard was her whispering “you’re going to be okay-” as they kicked in the door down the hal and everything went black. The next time I came to, opened my eyes… I was in Sheol. Sitting at the pinnacle of a pile of bodies in the dark.