Props are given.

grayscale photo of body of waves Photo by Matt Hardy on

Know why I give GOD the props I do?

“Because you’re a believer? “


I give God props because … he let me be brought back on nothing more than saying his son’s name in unadulterated shock over what my self-murderous ass “saw” on the other side.

Immediately. As my eyes adjusted to the slowly lifting “dark” suddenly around me.

I hissed “Jesus!” Then the way I’ll hiss “Fuck!” To this day.

& the call was “It Counts! She’s in! Geteroutta there!”

&the motherfuckers yanked me literally up into a trap door of light that appeared outta no fucking where.

I had NO IDEA who The Fuck Jesus was. None-zo.

My parents ran in the opposite direction due to fanatical Christian moms, & the one who survived had been flipped to Jehovah’s Witness in outrage AT God long before I got here. The only church that was an Absent or occasional norm for me was the kingdom hall. They don’t fuck with Jesus. They’ve changed the tonality in the last 10 years… but they “he’s just a dude” him.

I give God props because I dropped into the afterlife -which Was fn Sheol, mind you-said his son(who survived this fn rock) ‘s name the way I say “sonafabitch!!” To this day…

& WHATEVER the fuck this place we’re all on or in is…the motherfucker behind it was So lenient with his f ureaking rules that he was like “load her ass back in so she can do what’s on her heart for Real-“

Because HERE is the only realm that thing can be done.

So the religions are lying like motherfuckers around one and one only kernel of truth.

2 Peter 3.

The rest is bullshit.

The funniest thing?

Sitting here writing this I just heard God chuckle.

“Tell them WHY you killed yourself ~”

To go and…well, in 1997… It was going to be ALL OF THEM…OR ME… To stop it from being all of them, by me. But I could see the energy behind all of it.

So yeah, I lost it alright, but not in any way anything behind all that shit expected ANY of us to.


…and downed shit to fn explode my stomach. Pissed, but coherent & conscious as fuck. My guardian Angel was LIVID with me but couldn’t do Shit.

I made 2 calls waiting for the chemical reaction to kick in.

One to the woman who bore me to tell her she’d gotten her wish (with OUT saying “fuck you!” Lol, because…ancestors).

& One to my trans big sister that had gotten me into the building on 42nd street on a technicality before moving to London…to Apologize to her for seemingly wasting the opportunity by choosing to dial outta here to hell.

That last call is how “they” got me.

SHE loved me so much that she kept me on the phone & Unbeknownst to my drifting off ass got hold of another phone-and got patched into 911 from fn London & they kicked in the door with a gurney as I waS blacking out.

(God murmurs “who shot tha dawg~‽”)

😁I went to hell trying to fight the Devil 🤘 .

Like…seriously. To box!

…& yeah! Batshit Crazy! To all of heaven And hell lol! Very “they can’t DO that! Can they fn Do that?!”lol

But you know what?

God didn’t force me into his army with any immediacy after I got back topside.

Demons in & on folks were giving me berth for years lol.

So that leniency coupled with “go do you, babes~” for FIVE YEARS, almost…was my introduction to God.

Two weeks after I got “back” I went to Dimitri.

Literally on the other side of hell. He hadn’t hired my ass for 2 years. Was about to retire. Shut it down. He brought me on, the sulphuric smoke from where he’d been aiming unfurling off of me.

I was brought in to get his effects/affects in order. & learn as he closed shop. He taught me everything AZ I ungnarled his archives, PR, marketing & charitable giving, built rubrics for everything. AND ran FOH. Became his gatekeeper for a bit. Was the only one on-site who never got gored by him.

What about design?

I wasn’t there to be taught design. I came in collection minded.

I’d been in art(high school) for 4yrs at a college prep school keyed to the Cleveland Museum of art & the Cleveland Institute of Art & that entire crew.

I got “drafted” into one of the top 3 best design schools in the country, got accepted as a transfer to the best my 3rd yr(which I was told to my face was unheard of) & deferred there for the 2nd one, even taking the degree hit because FIT allowed the specialization in menswear I’d gone to the first school on a promise of a division being built by my 3rd year. UC ran out the badassed director who brought me in& scrapped her pending menswear division.

& all the teachers at FiT worked for real in the industry . & those motherfuckers who worked For Real IN the industry all gave me their blessings when I had to go to them at the end of May 97 & said- on the other side of the hell they’d Known I had just walked through- “Dimitri is finally willing to let me apprentice him.” They all knew who he was…and what he was to me. What he stood for in the industry.

His job- his gift to me wasn’t teaching me to design.

I learned how to have design integrity & say fuck you to any& all who came at me for not towing design party lines or cabal-ing the fuck out. Like he had done 30+ years.

That’s why he did the great things he did when I launched my way. His arc changed. That soon to be shuttered company stayed vibrant five years on 5th Avenue. Then he semi-retired, in peace, out here somewhere.

As for me?? In Less than a year I’d gone from literal sheol to the top of the mountain in Japan, onna rooftop being shown all the riches that “could be mines.”

Still didn’t know God or Jesus deeper than that call up into the light.

Yes…He flirted…courted… all over tokyo & nyc …but he also knew I was going to find my way to it on my own.

& when I did I would find out what the story of Jesus purportedly WAS when he went to hell those 2½ days and was straight whupping ass & taking keys.

…my jaw dropped lol.

It was like “Motherfucker, you were boxing?!lol woaw~”

I’d NO IDEA lol.

That’s not exactly the aspect of my big brother they talk loads about from the pulpit lol😆.

I was trying to do it cuz I was a pissed off 21 year old fed up with skirmishes when I could sense the puppetmaster.

Jaw also dropped over that “Satan tempting Jesus with worldly riches” bar.

That shit finally read by me, not told to me… was my first true taste of real family resemblance this lifetime.

“Yeah, you’re crazy but~ we totally got where you were coming from & lol..going.Take yer jersey .”lolol.

GOt it…and got saved in August 2002.

But got baptized around this date in time in 2003. Made it official.

This particular arc is why some demons on folks to this day lol….go tha other way. A level of hilarious spiritual notoriety came with that.

A lot of “if you don’t leave me alone to do what I’m fn here to DO(operating nonsense through mofos)imma steal that flesh puppet from you & get them saved🤨”…sprinkled with even flipping actual demons so they repented of shit & brokered deals to go home.

I’ve been speaking on demons as angels with chips on their shoulders paying for picking the wrong side in the war since 98. Demon aint nothing but an Angel with a bad attitude lol. &thaaaaat they’re fn flippable. 25 yrs. Only in 2024 am I coming across others speaking openly on what I became privy to coming back.

It’s been fun lol😆 .

This reality makes grievechronic a wholly different thing, tbh. The call to do it.

But it’s also very hard to DO certain things when you can see what others rock with better than they can.

String theory is real. In a way many don’t even get.