How in the Hell did you make it eight years “not having sex”?!

people curious for the wrong 😕 reasons.

Ironically, across many of these testable & intuitive modalities I am an 8, raw. So eight feels natural to me. Doesn’t mean it’s my favorite number, just that it’s natural vibrationally.

The how is never up to us. The how is neve even really our respective business.

Eight years in just happens to be with I’m talking about it.

The real reason is the why.

My why…was my first chaotic whiff of motherhood panning out. To her.

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More than just innerkid schtuff.

Î had been…reparenting myself & my innerkid for ages. But in 2016 I saw the fruit of it starting to bloom after eight hard years of dedication.

In 2016 I got a glimpse …of all that work having the faintest possibility of leading to a day on the horizon where I’d be healed enough of the familial things I’d had to figure my life out in spite of( and free from all the people the unchecked aspects of that deposited on my path trying to comically, cosmically help)…to think about having a child.

I…had already made peace with my birth family by 2012 for my own sake. To the chagrin of many. But 2016 was different. 2016 was when I realized that if I ever got to that day of being a mother, by the grace of God my husband would have a big family because the people who raised me would not be trusted alone with any child God gave me. His family would be the only one they’d know.

& I fully understood the weight that would be on the wrong person, if that makes any sense. So that… became a vetting marker & made shit easier.

& I didn’t fight against ANY lie told on me as I went. If you were dumb enough to believe whoever went out of their way to be in your ear about me even though you’d never seen us Anywhere together…the vetting was working.

The biggest vet was the Christian thing tho. Not traditional Christianese nonsense. Not the weirdly performative mess either. Jesus is big bro & God is God. Motherfuckers that I knew prayed for real to cover their own asses long before anything became about me.

and it was so weird…realizing things like how important courage was to me in a man on this journey. I’d never thought about that at all…until God tilted my heart so my eyes could see.

I still wasn’t even at the precipice yet, and had discovered all these things that you’d think would have made it feel like everything had narrowed down…but instead it opened up.

I started…meeting Good fathers.

Great husbands.

Widows who’d married late after making calls like I had…who had 15-20 years of first love magic with the love of their lives.

& it-

…eight years flew by.

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In those 8 years I’ve produced multiple solo art exhibitions, 20 books, ten art decks, a few sportswear pop up collections, run all over California and the American Southwest sowing my creative oats en busca d’Aventura d’arte 😆 style…and lived a surreal, beautiful life in America with integrity and chutzpah that perfectly bookends the fun I’ve had outside of it.

…Every relationship that didn’t gel was grace.